


Vessel Makeovers!

by WickedWitchofCupcakes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Fashion Disaster, Castiel/Dean Winchester One Shot, Crack, Crocs with Socks, Funny, I'm horrified, Lucifer is horrified, M/M, One Shot, Socks with Crocs, Zachariah is horrified, bad tattoos, ohgodwhy, spn crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:40:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7499772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WickedWitchofCupcakes/pseuds/WickedWitchofCupcakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean decide to get crazy makeovers in the hopes of discouraging Lucifer and Michael from making them vessels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vessel Makeovers!

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older story that I wrote, and I have a bunch more one-shots and some longer stuff sorta like it (more funny than the more dramatic stuff I've posted so far). Let me know how you like it and if I should post more of my funny/crack stuff.
> 
> (Also I tagged this as general audience but the word "Bitch" appears once. Hope that's not a problem for anyone and if so I'm sorry I'm just not sure how the tagging system completely works)

Sam was pacing the floor of the cheap motel where he and Dean were staying. They were once again trying to brainstorm ways to get out of their "predicament" (which roughly translates to two insane angels trying to use their bodies as vessels to destroy the world because they're too childish to go to family therapy for their issues). As Sam was thinking, Dean was focused on eating his pie. Sam noticed this.

"Dude, where did that pie even come from?" Sam asked. He swore that Dean did not have it a second ago.

"You were so absorbed in your research that I went out to get some pie." Dean explained, and made some noises of enjoyment from the deliciousness of the pie. Sam made a face.

"Has anyone ever told you that you eat an unhealthy amount of pie?"

"My life is hard enough, I think I deserve a little pie now and again." Dean said through mouthfuls of pie.

"I don't know why Michael would want you as a vessel."

"Please, who wouldn't want to joyride this sweet bacon? And he's lucky I'm not some girl-scout or a tattoo fanatic." Dean laughed at the thought. "Can you imagine Michael strutting around in some guy's body covered in tattoos?" He laughed again. "Or what if it were like some old guy? Or if he had a crazy haircut?...Man, I think I would give all the pie in the world if I could watch Michael and Lucifer go head to head in those vessels."

Dean didn't realize, but Sam had stopped pacing and was staring at him.

"Dean…"

"Sam?"

"You are a genius." Dean stopped eating his pie to stare at Sam.

"Thanks, but um…why exactly?" Dean put down his pie skeptically.

"Think about it Dean. These angels have huge egos. Would they be willing to enter ridiculous looking vessels? It would be beneath them. They would have to find different vessels!" Sam said excitedly. Dean didn't say anything. At first he looked confused…then he thought about it for a little bit. If Dean had a ridiculous haircut and he agreed to be Michael's vessel, Lucifer would ridicule Michael for eternity. And vice versa.

"Alright. So what? We get crazy haircuts?" Dean asked.

"I think we'll have to go a little further than that." Sam said.

"Like, how much further?" Dean asked nervously. Sam made a face at him. Dean shook his head.

"That's what I was afraid of…"

A while later…

"Ready Dean?" Sam asked. He shuffled back and forth on his feet, feeling uncomfortable with his new…look.

"Yeah. Yeah. But just for the record, this was your idea." Dean said.

"Okay. Let's summon them." Sam said. Dean grabbed the kidnapped Jehovah's Witness out of the back of the Impala, while Sam grabbed the kidnapped demon from the other side.

"I want you to call Zachariah, and let him know that I'm ready to say yes." Dean said.

"You're Dean Winchester? You don't look like the angels said you would." Dean didn't answer. The man started praying. Meanwhile Sam was doing the same to the demon. Once they were finished, Sam killed the demon and Dean let the Jehovah's Witness go.

"The other Witnesses are never going to believe this." He said before he ran off.

Sam and Dean stood next to each other, awaiting the arrival of the angels. However, after a few minutes no one showed.

"I guess they didn't get the message." Dean said, pissed that he had done all this for nothing, when a voice spoke behind him.

"Well well well…You've finally come to your senses? About time." Dean and Sam turned around to find Zachariah, looking smug as usual. Once he saw them though, his face fell.

"D-Dean?"

"In the flesh."

"And Sam?" Zachariah looked horrified. "W-what did you do?"

Before the brother could answer, another voice greeted them from the opposite side.

"You didn't tell me Zachariah was invited too." Sam and Dean turned to find Lucifer.

"I must say, it was a little unexpected since I wasn't expecting you to say yes till Detroit but…" Lucifer trailed off as he also looked at them. His face matched Zachariah's.

"S-Sam?"

"Yep." Sam said.

"What did you do?"

"That's what I want to know!" Zachariah screamed, frustrated at the stupidity of these two imbeciles.

Zachariah and Lucifer gaped at the ludicrous appearance of the two brothers. Sam's hair was completely gone. Yes. His beautiful, luscious, always perfectly styled hair was gone. He had lip, ear, and nose piercings. He was also dressed in a pink shirt that read Real Men Wear Pink, along with skinny jeans and socks with crocs. Yes. Crocs. The horror. Lucifer himself flinched at the sight.

Dean was no better. His hair had magically grown longer (don't ask how) and was now styled in dreadlocks, which were held back with a rainbow bandana. He was wearing a "Fluttershy" shirt from My Little Pony with khakis. Orange khakis. He had tattoos of MD, pretty flowers, bunnies, a dream catcher, and whatever other random shit he could think of. To top it all off, he too had socks with crocs.

"S-Sam. Your hair…" Lucifer muttered, heartbroken. "I was looking so forward to being able to comb it out every morning, and style it, and maybe put some ribbons in it if I was in the mood. Now…now I'll never be able to do any of that." Satan looked close to crying. Meanwhile Zachariah just looked disturbed.

"Oh. Crocs? Why? Do you enjoy tormenting me? And khakis? Orange khakis? And MY LITTLE PONY? I am so fired." Zachariah took a breath. "At least you don't have any piercings." Dean smiled mischievously.

"Actually…" He pulled up his shirt. "I do. A belly-button piercing." He wiggled his belly to show it off. Zachariah looked like he was going to puke.

"What? You don't like my tattoos?" Dean asked, flexing to show off his tattoos. "Wait till you see this one." Dean continued, and completely pulled off his shirt to display the tattoo running along his shoulders that read, Son of a Bitch. Just then Sam remembered something.

"Oh, I almost forgot, Lucifer, I think you'll want to see this." Sam pulled his shirt off to reveal the tattoo that read, I <3 GOD. With the heart in the middle of his chest as if it were over his actual heart. Lucifer hissed.

"Sammy, show him the other tattoo!" Dean encouraged. Sam turned around, pulled his skinny jeans down a little, and bent over. He had a tramp stamp that read, Michael's Bitch.

"And did you know we got matching tramp stamps?" Dean said, overly enthusiastic. He was enjoying seeing Zachariah in such torment. He bent over to show his tramp stamp off.

"Lucy's Bitch. Nice, right?" Dean high-fived Sam. The plan was working!

"Enough!" Zachariah said. "You two are imbeciles. I can't take any more of this!" Before he could do anything else though the streetlamps exploded dramatically. That could only mean one thing.

"Cas!"

"Dean. I got your message and came as soon as I could…" Cas looked Dean over, and tilted his head sideways because he was confused.

"Why are you dressed as a clown?" He asked.

"I'm not. This is my new look." Dean explained, smiling proudly.

"Your new look?" Cas's face fell. Then it turned into a look of horror as the realization of what was going on hit him.

"Y-you can't do that!" He exclaimed. "Dean how could you deface your beautiful beautiful body? I-I mean…How could you deface yourself like that?" That was a close call on Cas's part. His anger and shock had almost given him away.

"It was a necessary sacrifice." Sam said.

"At what price? How could you do this to me Dean? I rebelled for you."

"Whoa. Why are you getting so angry? It's my body, I can do what I want with it. And why do you care anyway?" Dean was completely oblivious to why. Cas meanwhile was flustered trying to come up with a believable answer without giving his true feelings away.

"It's just…" Cas hopelessly thought of Dean's perfectly chiseled muscles hidden beneath the layers of tattoos and the god-awful dreadlocks ruining his handsome face.

"Okay, I've had enough." Zachariah said, for the second time. This time Sam and Dean turned to him.

"What's wrong? We're agreeing to say yes." Dean mocked. "I take it you don't like the new looks?" Zachariah's smug smiled made Dean and Sam waver.

"As a matter of fact, yes, I don't like the new looks. Luckily, I can take care of them." Zachariah snapped his fingers and Dean was back to normal. All signs of dreadlocks, ponies, tattoos, belly-button rings, and crocs had disappeared.

"Son of a bitch." Dean exclaimed. Cas almost fainted from relief (and because Dean was still not wearing a shirt). However, Sam was still absurd looking. After what had happened to Dean, Lucifer was smiling smugly too, remembering he could do that too. Lucifer didn't even snap his fingers though. Sam just went back to normal.

"Sam, this plan sucked." Dean said gruffly.

"Fair enough." Sam agreed. Zachariah laughed.

"Well, now that you have delivered yourself right into my hands, with your foolproof plan," Zachariah said, laughing some more. "I'm going to make sure that you regret making me see that disturbing imagery." Zachariah shivered a little.

"Haha!" Dean said triumphantly. "Joke's on you, cause we had a backup plan. Cas?" Dean and Sam grabbed Cas's arms, getting ready to be flown out of danger. But Cas did not move.

"Uhh. Cas. Now would be a nice time." Dean said, not liking the angry, maniacal looks he was getting from Zachariah. Still Cas didn't move.

"Cas what's wrong?" Sam asked.

"I'm not going anywhere until Dean promises never to deface his body like that ever again."

"Are you kidding me?" Dean roared.

"Just do it, Dean." Sam said, very aware that more angels had just shown up. Dean mumbled angrily, but muttered, "Fine."

"I couldn't hear you." Cas said with a straight face.

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Ugh. I promise not to deface my body in any way that may be offense to Castiel, Angel of the Lord, ever again. Satisfied?!" Dean yelled.

"Very." Cas said simply, before disappearing. Zachariah let out a yell of frustration.

"Why did I give them so much time to get away?" He yelled, very angry at the obvious plot hole in the story. Lucifer shrugged his shoulder.

"Because we need to build up dramatic tension for the season finale. Plus, as I keep on pointing out, Sam isn't going to agree to be my vessel till Detroit, so I'm not in a hurry." He gave Zachariah a quick wave and disappeared.

"Stupid lazy author and bad plot development!" He said angrily before disappearing too, leaving nothing but an empty parking lot and a pair of unwanted crocs.


End file.
